Category Archives: Personal

Sink.

As an extrovert,
I guess I need a friend,
but when I start talking to someone,
Other people have no end.

If you’re a girl and I’m nice to you,
it’s as if I laid a curse,
Because people will start shipping,
making things unnecessarily worse.

The most I’m looking for,
is more of like a sister,
I just got out of boys’ school,
I’m not looking to be anyone’s mister.

Thank goodess,
that my skin is rather thicke,
for others’ imaginary blurred lines,
are starting to make me sick.

Tagged , ,

Converse

So the last time I named a chunk of text ‘Converse’, it was a poem for my Drama & Poetry class. A poem about how much communication means to me when it comes to any form of interpersonal relationship, though the plot twist was that it ended up being about love (as a challenge to myself to write about romance).

And fun being fun, a poem ALWAYS has to be inspired by someone right? Well, not in this case. It was a case of a created identity, though definitely, examples would have existed.

And when you finally engage in a conversation with an example; when you finally realise how right you were at judging examples; when the conversation is so natural, but so different from your usual self (in the good way) – the satisfaction is truly warming.

And this time, I was in Windsor Smiths.

Tagged ,

Heading the Right Weigh

I get it. I lost weight.

Somehow.

I know a lot of my friends constantly look at their bodies and want to lose weight, but when I do, for some reason I get scared. This post might look like I’m bragging, but I really don’t know what I can be bragging about.

My friends go through so much effort – exercise, salads, starvations (which I SO disapprove), etc. – just to lose weight, and I just…do. I don’t even know why. Maybe I’m doing something right by accident, it’s not like I’m cutting down on my McDonald’s. If anything, I may have eaten more McDonald’s recently.

Everything about losing weight terrifies me. Yes, I am thankful that I’ve shrunk from secondary school, but if this keeps going on without me putting in intense effort, I feel that I should start worrying. Thigh gaps, for example, not that I have them, but then again, I don’t want them – I’m honestly pretty scared of that too. Come to think of it, I’m already starting to worry a bit about how my ankles look. It’s not a vanity thing, it’s just that they don’t look normal to me.

Here’s what a friend once told me though –

“Don’t care! Just eat whatever you want!”

As simple as that, and yet, her words have created so much impact on me. Indeed, it sounds more like something to say to someone who fears weight gain, but I guess it applies to anyone who eats in general. Consider me inspired.

So here’s a mental list of things I may have accidentally done right –

  1. Salads are honestly not that bad – especially croutons.
  2. Rice is starting to taste worse and worse – or maybe I’m bored.
  3. Despite my shoulder – welcome back, swimming.
  4. Soup Spoon Satisfies Self
  5. Does Diet Coke actually taste better? – Yes, I know – aspartame. I’m trying to cut down on that.
  6. For a fact – McNuggets contain less calories than a Big Mac.
  7. The shortest queues in school usually involve salads or sushi.
  8. Does Green Tea do stuff? I think I’m addicted to it.
  9. Does Meiji Milk do stuff? I think I’m addicted to it.

So here’s a mental list of things I think I’m supposedly doing wrong –

  1. What’s a gym?
  2. Ooh! McDonald’s!
  3. Ooh! Fried Food!
  4. Ooh! Food in general!
  5. Ice Cream is essential in one’s daily diet – but I don’t eat it daily.
  6. Something about sleeping late – that always contributes to something.

Though it seems that I have been growing skinnier, mathematically speaking, I’ve been circulating around the same amount of kilos. This just makes things weirder – what is happening to me? Perhaps the abovementioned seems to be a nice balance of weight maintenance. Perhaps I should just continue living as I have been for the past few moments? Maybe I should actually start caring when something goes really wrong, instead of being so paranoid over something that I feel is wrong, simply because everyone around me thinks it’s wrong.

papernapkinroses

IMG-20130615-WA0004

It’s like a strange beautiful habit.

Go on about how it’s beautiful and yet fragile, or how a paper serviette can never die. Or the best one yet – a plant, turned into paper, only to become a plant again.

I just do it and I don’t even know why. I don’t even know what to do with it afterwards. Usually, I would just leave it there and go home, but if someone wants it, I don’t see why not.

This has even been a cause to have someone question my gender, but hey, I can’t even explain why my hands get itchy everytime.

Oh well, it’s just me, I guess. Me enough to be my tumblr.

Meh.

Mic Check

“With great power comes great responsibility,” the cliched Spiderman saying goes. Everyone supposedly has a gift, a superpower, if you will. My supposed superpower only gets me in trouble in school – most of the time.

Since kindergarten, teachers have already been telling my parents about how powerful my voice is. Not in singing, just talking in general. At the kindergarten I attended, I was grateful that they encouraged me by making me attend Speech & Drama related things, particularly acting in school plays. I don’t remember to what extent my speaking could go, but the only thing I remember was my K2 teacher saying I had a microphone born inside me. Then and now, that seems like a neutral comment. It’s what happened from then onwards that really shape what my voice could  do.

Primary School and Secondary School – This was a confusing time when it came to my voice. No doubt, I was a talkative fella. Yes, more talkative than I am now (IKR, how is that possible?!). I would get in trouble for talking – come to think of it, it’s probably the only reason I would ever get in trouble. The confusing part comes in when most Singaporean teachers I had would always have to talk to my mum, urging her to try and get me to be more quiet in class. Perhaps, I was a little disruptive in class, but what can I do when all the Caucasian teachers I’ve ever had, and a few of my Singaporean teachers (usually English teachers), actually did the opposite and praised my speaking ability and told my mum that I should put it to good use.

In Sec 3, many of my batch mates in Choir were looking to become a committee member. I too, was one of them. Skip to handover, I didn’t become one of them. I was all right with that to be honest. I was still the outspoken senior that juniors could depend on and that’s all that mattered to me. The problem only surfaced when one day I heard a theory behind why I wasn’t selected – my voice. Apparently, I was too vocal, and that made me a ringleader.  They were afraid that my opinions would lead juniors astray simply because there was a chance that it would differ from the higher authorities. Till today, the truth behind this theory is still unknown, but it has made me question my voice way too often. My voice appeared to be influential. Was it really, though? Villains have superpowers too.

“Was my voice a good thing or a bad thing?”

Move on to after secondary school and Poly was my chosen route. I kinda chose Mass Communication simply to talk, admittedly. In fact, when I first joined Mass Communication, I still wasn’t quite sure on how good my speaking abilities really were. All I knew was that I enjoyed watching speeches, probably another reason why I got into politics, speeches that could create impact and influence – Martin Luther King Jr., Adolf Hitler, you name it. Regardless of political opinion, I would love to hear them out, just so I could hear a speech.

Mass Communication has this incredibly awesome (in my opinion) module – Speech Communication. It was practically what I sign up for. We learnt the fundamentals of speech structure and how to deliver ourselves the best we can. I would say that I did very well for this module and it was great, because that gave me a boost in confidence in my speaking ability. Perhaps I did have a place in Mass Communication.

What happens when one day the same haunting comments come back? That the microphone inside my body should never have been there in the first place. That’s what happened. I don’t really wish to go into much detail, but for those who know, you know. It happened.

The only hope I’m clinging onto is that this is just not the module for me at the moment. The hope that I can one day use my voice, my “supposed” influence, my “supposed” superpower to make a difference. Maybe I just need to look harder for the balance in my voice to suit the environment I’m in, a Mic Check, almost. I mean, if I’m going to have a mic but not use it, then what’s the point?

One (hundred)

So Crispin recommended I do this 100 facts thing, and since my WordPress account has regrettably been untouched for quite some time, here goes…something –

001.  I have a very strong urge to fill this up with nonsense like “I have 2 eyes.”, “I have 10 fingers.”, etc.
002.  I won’t.
003.  I love to learn. WWII, Paranormal, you name it.
004.  I don’t have OCD, I do, however, have tendencies.
005.  My favourite model of sneakers are Nike Blazers.
006.  I probably enjoy cue sports because it’s all about tidying a table.
007.  I think hair buns are great. (not on me though)
008. I have a weird fascination with the name Bailey (or Bayley)
009. I’m an ENFP.
010. Yes, I do like Taylor Swift.
011. Come to think of it, I have a female-dominated music collection.
012. I still feel awkward in a mixed-school environment every now and then.
013. Any tea can float my boat.
014. My top 3 are English B’fast, Oolong and Matcha in no particular order.
015. Emoji’s are sacred to me. Some can hold special meaning, some can be exclusive to certain people, etc.
016. I truly enjoy meaningful lyrics. (which explains why I have more Canton than Korean songs)
017. Japanese is my favourite cuisine.
018. I enjoy learning about the culture of different chinese dialects.
019. Vexillology is one the interests I have that many don’t really know about. (and you thought I was all about fonts)
020. I’m happy to try “exotic” food.
021. Helvetica is not my favourite typeface.
022. I’m torn between Tw Cen MT and Segoe UI
023. I love knowing how mechanisms work. INNER ENGINEER ME.
024. I have a strange fascination with “24”. (See what I did there?)
025. I feel sad when I see friends feeling sad on social networks and I can’t do anything to help :/
026. Taking Pilates for my Sports & Wellness module was actually very educational for me.
027. I really really wanna be able to converse fluently in Cantonese.
028. I’m a very “on the fence” person.
029. Athanasius adores alliteration.
030. Pretty sure my Secondary school was the primary cause of my fascination with politics. (I might actually reflect this in a post!)
031. I’m so loud I sometimes dislike myself for it.
032. I play the violin.
033. Kohmmunism was originally intended for me to keep track of my own ideals, then some started to like it…
034. I might be nerdier than I think I am.
035. I love drawing up my own lines between star/satellites I see in the sky. Self-constellating!
036. I am fascinated my nail art (not on me though). (Have I done a post on this?)
037. I enjoy watching speeches, live or online.
038. I don’t play Candy Crush. Your Facebook is lying to you.
039. I love speaking Teochew.
040. I love white shoes (unless they’re on my school uniform)
041. I believe that reading restricts my imagination.
042. I read too slow for my liking.
043. I really like reading quotes.
044. My two favourite pickup lines are all computer-related. -NERD-
045. The NEL is my favourite MRT line.
046. I’m still on a mission to find out what Kovan is named after.
047. I was addicted and quit Tetris before it even became popular in school.  -HIPSTER-
048. I often think of how life will be like if I had a sibling or two.
049. I honestly kind of liked Idea Jumpstart (except the survey bit)
050. I’m not a fan of talking about grades regardless of how I did.
051. I love wearing formally. I don’t know why.
052. Talking is great fun for me.
053. I haven’t used filters on my Instagram in a long long time.
054. 听写s are the only tests I ever get stressed out upon.
055. I rejected a girl before and I did it in a very regrettable way.
056. I have a bookmark folder of delivery websites in case of a food-related emergency.
057. I’m often conflicted when I have to put a punctuation mark and an emoticon together.
058. I don’t know how I truly feel about photography.
059. Kids are awesome to me.
060. I don’t really work well with my earphones and music on, the lyrics can be distracting.
061. The drink I buy the most often from MUJI is Dong Ding Oolong Tea (冻顶乌龙茶) – Try it. It’s amazing.
062. I wouldn’t consider myself results-orientated (contrary to popular belief).
063. I have my doubts about the feelings I have towards Jordans.
064. I really enjoy Inline Skating
065. I can’t decide whether I like pool or snooker more.
066. Puns are my favourite type of jokes.
067. I adore the layout of Windows’ Metro UI
068. I’ve had a skateboard for a really long time, but all I can do is move.
069. I once thought ’69’ jokes were about the symmetry of the number’s appearance which wasn’t that funny. OOPS.
070. The “purple” that I love is actually more indigo.
071. I get pretty paranoid by the slightest battery depletion. Welcome to the 21st century.
072. My first phone, like my current, is a Samsung.
073. I once bought a large amount of Sesame Street tissue packets simply because I felt guilty for not spending money during the holidays.
074. Cue Cards and Post-its keep me organised
075. My table can sometimes look like Windows 8 with all the colourful post-its.
076. If I had a brother, he would’ve been named Zachariah.
077. I’m not a fan of the number seven. Simply because it has two syllables while 1-10 (except 7) only have one each.
078. If I had a sister, she would’ve been named Felicity.
079. If I had 2 sisters, the other would’ve been named Clarice.
080. My tumblr URL is deep to the point that it makes no sense.
081. I still have an interest in product design.
082. I like alcohol a lot because of bottle designs.
083. My room has a turquoise wall.
084. McDonald’s is my favourite place for Iced Lemon Tea
085. I am amazingly slow with most blog posts. (including this one.)
086. I actually buy some albums.
087. I love a good gourmet burger joint.
088. The only kind of hats that truly fit me are hats you would imagine a CIA operative or a member of a triad wearing.
089. I always have mints/candy with me.
090. I always use Cream of Mushroom as a soup basis to compare brands.
091. I always use Milk Tea with pearls (50%) as a bubble tea basis to compare brands.
092. I honestly wonder who would read all of these facts to this point, and not just the beginning, end, and a few in the middle. (Let me know if you actually do, hahahaha)
093. Pilot Color ENO’s have always been my pencil of choice since Pri. School.
094. I’ve only returned to Anime in 2013 with Clannad, Clannad After Story and at the moment, Kanon.
095. I was born left-handed, but was trained to use my right. I’m now do different things with different hands.
096. This post is so long, I might never read it.
097. I’ve never eaten Poutine before, but I really want to try one soon.
098. I often wonder what would have happened if I hopped on over to Child Psychology and Early Education.
099. I’ve never been happier by the thought of the number 99, until now.
100.  My name is Athanasius.

Another One

One thing I love about my Digital Photography module in school is the opportunity for me to explore the various depths of Singapore and on 30 December 2012, one of these depths was Changi Airport. There, with Annetta and JiaYi, our legs were jelly, from walking all over the southern area of Singapore and Changi was the place for us to enjoy the air-con and slow things down before calling it a day.

As usual the Airport was full of kids – the playground, the giant Angry Birds spaceship thing, the ball-pit – everywhere was filled with kids running around.

At the ball-pit, the scene was expected – balls everywhere and little kids running, swimming and rolling around with them. One girl stood out, she noticed our cameras and slowly but excitedly approached us, throwing balls at us once in a while.

“Hey there!” I said. She smiled back. “What’s your name?” said Annetta. “Val!”, the little girl exclaimed back.

Considering she interacted us, it was a great chance for us to get a few shots of her. All smiling happily as she played along with us despite being separated by a netting.

At home, whilst reviewing my shots for the day, I finally arrive at the series of shots depicting Val’s cheery nature, and somehow this hit me.

She was like the little excited girl I’ve always imagined my sister would’ve been like, totally opposite from when I was younger. Yup, that sister that never existed. Amazing how this One girl could impact me so much.

So Felicity or Clarice, wherever you’ve ended up in the world, who knows, maybe I’ll get to meet you without knowing one day 🙂

” I have friends who are so close that I love them the way I imagine you love a sibling,
but really I’ll never know what it’s like to have a brother or sister.”